Aaarghh.. why do I feel so hard to reach deep inside when I'm writing in English.. sheeesshhh..
"Kekuatan hati yang berpegang janji
Genggamlah tanganku cinta
Ku tak akan pergi meninggalkanmu sendiri
Temani hatimu cinta.."
They're Letto's Sebelum Cahaya. The song that soothes.. The song that makes me think of the loved one.. Pity him.. I let him down too often.. I'm sorry.
Okay, lets talk.. or rather, discuss.
I'd like to ask this question. Can you feel your heart is like being incised when suddenly something that saddens or disappoints you happen? Can you feel it bleed?
Nah.. it is just a question. Nothing major.
Lately, I noticed that I don't actually smile that often. It's not that I'm not happy.. I'm just being the normal me. But I know, it is way easier for me to smile to those less-significant acquaintances. Not many things actually that really make me happy. At times, I wonder what it is that contents me. The drawback is that, it is easier for me to feel sad rather than to feel happy when I am in my normal emotional state. Sigh..
Like what Fergie said, "I need to be with myself in center, clarity, peace, serenity.." I feel at best when I am with myself. I observe myself to be in the best mood when I'm all alone, listening to the radio, to window shop, to drive.. (and my mom will think that I'm trying to exclude my siblings from my daily affairs.. duhhh)
I realize, as I grow older, the emotional part of me becomes more dominant. I don't really fancy that fact, though that is the reality I have to face presently. The negative emotions surface really evidently when those who disappoint me are those whom are important to me. Sounds pathetic, doesn't it?
Passive love - I learnt this during the induction course I went to last month. This passive love happens in those who strive to maintain good image in other people's eyes to get people's adoration. Yes, I have a bit of that in me (truth hurts, okay~).. though with the passing of time, I learnt to be a little nasty to people who annoy me; I learnt that it is not always important for everyone to like me.. which yeah.. I admit that at times, it does ignite the good feeling inside.. the good feeling of revenge and self-expression, and not being a facade.
(oh my.. how many 'err' words have I mentioned already.. habis la blog kena label, adehh..)
This time around, I would really wanna see the clock ticks as fast as it could. I am anxious to know how would my life be at the end of the year. I know that this year will have many many exciting stories for me to experience. Working life-wise, personal life-wise, knowledge-wise.. if only everything can happen with me being awaken at the end of December.. "wake me up when December ends.."huh.. what dream.. a day older should make you a day wiser, Sharifah~
This is just the middle of March.. 8.5 months to go.. (-_-)