Missing is..

Missing them. Badly.

2013: It's a wrap

2013 will bid farewell in a day's time. Memang tahun ni rasa sekejaaaap sangat kan?

Fahim pun dah 19 days today. I'm recovering well from my delivery. That Tanamera postnatal care set is so good I'm enjoying every day of using the components included in it. Yep, and I highly recommend it to other mothers too!

Pengalaman bersalin kali ni is very different from my 1st. Fahim was overdued by 4 days from his EDD (mama ingat Fahim da taknak keluar2 dah.. lol. Rupa-rupanya dia nak keluar on 12/12) and he weighed 500 grams more than Zara did. This time around I would say I am better informed about natural way of delivery, all thanks to my colleagues especially Caah, being an advocate of natural delivery (that means no medical intervention during the  delivery at any stage). I thought I wouldn't be able to do it; that I would again depend on epidurals.  But I was wrong. I made it! I managed to give birth to Fahim through SVD (my impian throughout the pregnancy ok!). It felt great. I thought it would hurt like hell. But after all that I have been through, all I can say is that the pain is absolutely bearable. Not that I'm saying it's not painful; kena ketuk kepala pun sakit kan.. it's just.. bearable.  Bearable as in I can endure it again.

Besides the natural delivery I had, I think it wouldn't be possible without the understanding of my best-in-the-world gynae Dr. Idora. I gave her my birth plan at week 37 without much hope of exactly following every point that I requested (e.g. no epidurals, requesting to walk around before delivery, no episiotomy,  etc.).  When I got into the labour room, I lied down on the bed (not my preferred position. Sakit belakang gue!) and the nurses placed the baby heartbeat and contraction monitors on my belly. Dr. Idora came in and she said it was ok for me to remove the monitors and walk around. I came to the hospital with 4 cm dilation. And I gave birth in less than 3 hours after that. Yep, it was fast! What was even more flattering, one of the nurses asked me if I went to the hypnobirthing class, because I didn't utter a single word nor shout nor breathing heavily when I was pushing.  Kembaang seyhh :D

To mothers yang berimpian nak deliver naturally, I recommend you to see Dr. Idora. Not many gynaes I hear who would as best as possible try to adhere to the birth plan. Actually bukan tu je sebabnya why I like her very much. Nak cerita panjang pun tak guna kan. Just make an appointment with her and you'll know what I mean.

Pantai Hospital KL pun best. Well, maybe not the car park la kan, but the nurses made me feel comfy and taken care of.  We stayed at the hospital for 3 nights, in waiting for Fahim's jaundice report to come out.  Thank Allah he was alright.

Maybe giving birth to Fahim was the highlight for me this year (my highlight came a little late don't you think?) or should I call 2013 is my year of 'perut buncit'? Lol!

Zara, papa and I spent our 1st Jan 2013 in Yokohama, shopping. 1st Jan 2014, we will just be at my parents' home. My confinement's not over yet, remember?  Maybe we'll wait for the news on 31st December rally? Haha.

Hopefully in 2014 I'll have the chance to visit Japan again (I dunno why I like Japan so much) Haven't planned for our 2014 vacation yet. But trust me, 2014 is gonna be gloomy for Malaysians. I hope it's gonna be gloomier for those who voted in the name of stupidity and ignorance.

Ok, so here are a few happenings in 2013 that I will not forget:

1. Twice visiting Japan with my husband and Zara.
2. My husband caught fever during our summer visit to Japan.
3. Zara contracted scarlet fever during our family holiday in Bangkok. She was treated at Bumrungrad Hospital.  Thank Allah she wasn't admitted. We purchased new tickets to head back to KL the next day.
4. Fahim stayed in my tummy for extra 4 days, much in contradiction with my anticipation for his early arrival.
5. I missed my ACD this year. They postponed my assessment 5 times this year due to the reason of no assessor. The final date given is too near to my EDD. I have already requested for MC on my 38th week. I hate ACD. I really do.

I do look forward to the new year. I wanna promise myself that 2014 will be a year of rigorous travelling, more energy to accomplish the things I need to achieve, and that I will never lose sight of what is important.

And oh.. I look forward to holding our house warming (finally!!!) and many more vacations with my darling husband and 2 little ones.

Welcoming myself to the 3-series club. LOL!

Most valuable gift for 2013. Mirfahim Zuhri ^_^

An epistle of grief

I always view April as the month of many good things, as the important dates of the important people to me are in mostly in April. My husband's birthday, the anniversaries of my parents and parents-in-law, my sister Ain's birthday, and the birthdays of my very good friends Caah and Zuhairy. Yet, this year, another date in April has added itself into my calendar. And that is the departure of my most beloved grandmother, Hajah Rashidah Abdullah whom we affectionately called as Maktok,on April 15th at the age of 80.

Yeah, it has been four days since she left us. I am still adapting to the change that she isn't here anymore.. though I would like to think she is just tired of all these years of taking care of her grandchildren that she decided to go somewhere else. But hey, I am a Muslim. I must know (and accept) that this is the fate of every living thing on earth.. that nothing is immortal except the Almighty.

It's just that I feel upset of not being with her on her last few hours. Maybe I could have helped my mom on something.. or maybe I could have recited for her the Yaasin much earlier. It was exactly seven days before she departed when I last saw her. Gave her some pocket money (I am glad that I managed to give it to her before her time came..) but still, I didn't really have a long chat with her. The last few words that I said to her were "Maktok janganla sakit-sakit k.. take your medicine according to its dose, and please don't skip meals.."

Though I wasn't purposely being away (Zara had chickenpox, and now she is still recovering) but still, I felt bad..

She had a terrible appetite that week.. I wonder why didn't I sense the sign that her death was coming.. Like the ustaz said in one sermon I attended, the unseen (ghaib)things are only known by Allah.. I must tell myself to be redha with whatever He has destined for me and those around me.

These few days, all the memories of her keep on coming into my head. And when I remember, these tears will appear in my eyes. I know I need to control this sadness.. Cuz if I'm not strong enough, I won't be able to comfort my mom and my siblings..

But I am glad that my mom, my two sisters and I managed to bathe Maktok's body before she was being wrapped in the white cloth. If her soul were to witness that, I know she must be proud of us. I am further relieved that the whole process were made easy by the Almighty. Bathing her was done smoothly, so it was when we were wrapping her. Her face was really calm.. like she was sleeping. Finally she got her long deep sleep after a number of days when she told my mom that she couldn't really sleep.

And I am also glad that many of her cousins, nieces and nephews came to pay their last respect. I know she was loved by those who knew her.. family or not.

Maktok, I have never really said the things I wanted to say to you. But I guess, since you're gone, there is nothing I can do about it. But what I can do is tell the world the wonderful deeds you have done for me (and my siblings).. I will pray hard that someday, I will meet you again in the Hereafter.. hopefully in Heaven. And I hope when I am a grandmother one day, I can do the same like what you did for us.

Maktok, thank you for taking care of me until I began my journey to the University, thank you for being my earliest teacher, teaching me nursery rhymes, folk songs, reading Quran, how to perform Solat, helping me out with my homework, all the advice you gave for me to improve myself, comforted me when I was so mad at people around me, thank you for helping me understand my parents, thank you for your prayers for me all these years, thank you for all the good food you prepared (they will always remain as the best food in the world), thank you for being a shoulder to cry on.. in short, thank you for everything Maktok. May Allah bless you for what you have done. Your leaving was so abrupt.. Until I didn't get the chance to say goodbye..

Ya Allah, please take care of my Maktok. She never wronged anyone. In fact, many people actually still owe her tonnes of apologies. But knowing Maktok, she must have long forgiven them..

.. And deep in the corner of my heart, how I wish I could turn back time.. and never let it tick for another minute..

To this important someone in my life

I'm writing this because suddenly I feel like I need to. Because this person played a very important role in my growth. I consider her to be too old now, and I don't want to be writing this when she is gone, because she showed and taught as many things as she can to me. I hope anyone who reads this post, who knows her will tell her that I wrote this for her. No I won't tell her of course! Why? Because I'll cry before I get to end what I want to say. Yeah, I want her to know that I wrote this for her.

She's my grandmother. The one who has the life impossible to believe. The one who once walked with kings and ministers and great women, the one who always cooked for us (and yes, no one could beat her in the kitchen).. and now she's too fragile even to take care of herself.

I always observe her and I will always have the thinking that growing old is not fun at all. Especially after the age of 60s.

She came from a great family background. The family that brewed a few of the earliest national figures, and she herself was among those were involved in the the party who sought independence for the country. During her leisure time, she would be giving cooking lessons at the WI. I am proud of the fact that she was well-known. But the history has left us so far.. she could not really catch up with those days anymore.. only the stories of what is left in her mind.

She took care of us since we were mere infants. She taught us to recite the Muqaddam, to sing nursery rhymes, learn English and Math, and she would cook for us the wondrous dishes.. among our favorites were terutup, pajeri, masak kurma, masak semur, roast chicken, nasi tomato, roti canai sardin, roti jala,.. in short, we just name it. Whatever she cooked, it melted our senses. No matter how long it took for her to cook something, it never bothered her.

When I stepped into primary school, there were a few things that was hard for me to get. Like 'tolak-pinjam' mathematical operation in Standard 2. When she was trying to clear things for me, I was like, "how on earth can numbers know how to borrow. I thought only humans do that!" and I still remember how I told her to justify why the sound of the word 'knife' was pronounced without the 'k' sound. She seldom got mad at this cucu loyar buruk. In fact, to what I can remember, she never did. I used to hate playing 'congkak' with her, because I knew I would lose, but she was always generous of teaching me the strategy to win, even though I was full of resentment.

And every time I aced my exams, she would tell my siblings that I was exemplary. It made me feel great. No need fancy gifts. A praise like that was all I need. It was good in my quest to boost self-confidence.

There was one day, when she followed my sister and I to school, because we asked her to become our supporter for our all girl-band to perform during Teacher's Day. She came to cheer for us, and we won the juries' vote. Knowing that she was not so well, we were really touched by her gesture.

During exam seasons, she would be constantly performing solat hajat for us. She even knew what subjects we were sitting for each day. And when we got back from school feeling tired of answering the exams, she would make us lie down and massage our foreheads while reciting some doa. 

She's a great fighter too. Dark life episodes, deadly diseases came her way. We thought we would lose her. But she made it through. That is also one of the reasons why I really believe she is an iron lady with a life impossible to believe.Yeah, who would believe if she told that she had dinner at the table together with the late Sultan of Johor? Well, we saw the pictures a few times before..

But yeah.. right now, age is really catching up with her.. and I feel bad of watching it.. I really miss the days when she was up and about. Thank God that my mom is watching her closely, like how my grandmother used to care for her mother, our great grandmother.

If any of you guys who knows her is reading this, please tell her that I wrote this for her.

To my sisters and brother, let's cherish her while she's here with us. We know she means the world to us. So let's prove it.

A step into late 20s

Whoa. I'm 26!

I still feel like I'm this 19 year-old girl when I am at home, really. However, I always feel older than my peers. Like 20-something going 30. Maybe because I was born in January. Does any January-ans feel that? I dunno. Maybe I am an isolated case.

The only thing nowadays that made January no longer my loved month is that I have ACD assessment in January. Well, last year and this year, with the dates being almost the same. No at this point of time, I can't entirely put my head in for the assessment. It has somehow affected my productivity for the first 2 weeks of the month. Can't say that I didn't prepare earlier, I started like 2 months ago, but not that consistent anyway. Preparing for ACD isn't the same as preparing for SPM, which in the latter case, whatever I read I can recall and fix the jigsaw puzzles perfectly. Now, I have to say that it is quite, or very, difficult. Telling my parents about it won't be of any help. They are not awed by work difficulties anymore, especially my mom, who has been busier lately after getting her doctorate. Boring.

A friend who is gonna get married a few weeks after me told me that she's planning on a long hiatus after marriage. Well, I am not so sure of that. I do think of how I can actually have some extra dollars (dollars ye, not just ringgit) from other things apart from my monthly wages. A career is what I wanna keep for myself, and what I am doing now is not too bad at all.

26. What's there in an age? Maturity? Higher wisdom? Better understanding? Higher fear of God? Higher income? Slower metabolisme? (Hey, not yet!!) Change in status?

Yep, this year I am getting married, in fact it's 9 weeks from now. How time flies. How I have grown. What a wow..

After this, life planning would be much more exciting, since I am not going to do it alone. I am looking forward for that. No, I'm not just another bride who thinks too much about the wedding preparation. I am more concerned about the essence of marriage. Some friends tried to bring me into the thinking that I should not let the individualistic thinking disappear when I am married. I dunno about that. They can say I'm blinded by love. They think they know me too much. But as far as I am concerned, I have never been blinded. I'm very fine actually. Trust me. And I can give assurance that no one knows me that much.

All the best wishes for you on your birthday, Sharifah. Expect changes everyday. Because changes are the constant thing in life you'll encounter. You can never say no. Face them with a great head on your shoulders, and with a good heart too.

An elegy for Zuhairy

2009 will end in less than 2 days' time. I hope nothing outrageous will happen until the new year, after the surprising news on Zuhairy's mom's departure yesterday. Nobody in the family was ready for it. Sudden loss, hearts crushed. Rest in peace, Auntie Mashitah..

My dear Zuhairy, yesterday marks a new beginning for you and your family. I sincerely hope that you will go through this phase with an open mind and heart. Remember, everything that we have in this world are all temporarily given to us. It only differs in time, the moment they will be taken back. I remind myself that constantly, to help me move on, to help me realize and be 'redha' with what He has destined for me.

As your friend for over 16 years, I do have my own memories of her, especially when we were in school. I regard her as not only a friend's mother, but someone I could share stories with, especially when I was tired of waiting for my dad after Girl Guides class on Saturdays. She was one of the aunties I know who kept that competitive spirit in us classmates burning. She was one of those aunties with creative cooking ideas, and she was definitely a loving mother. I still recall how she made the effort to come to school nearly everyday to give you your breakfast box during recess time. And I do believe you inherited the looks from her too.

Be strong Zuhairy. Being the eldest son, I know you have a heavy role to carry on your shoulder. Fear not my friend. Life is full of unexpected things and uncertainties that, if we are afraid, we can go nowhere. Now that your mother is gone, you can help to lessen the missing in your siblings' hearts by filling the emptied space with love and care. Make certain that her departure does not end the blessings she could receive by continuously praying for her. That is the best thing that parents could receive from their children - the prayers, even after they are gone.

As a friend, I will be there for you. I am sure lots of friends will do be there for you too. The friendship that all of us have is very strong, and I can tell it by observing the friends who paid their respect yesterday. We want you to know that you are not left alone.

You will start a new beginning very very soon my friend, and I wish you all the best.


.. Sincerely from your loving old friend.