Friday, May 2, 2008


"Yeah I feel you.. uhuh.. (continues to listen).. uhuh.."

. I think this word is very much often understated.

To understand is really essential as a part of communicating with people. Not only that being understanding shows that we care, it is also imperative in order to have a smooth message flow, without having ambiguities in it.

To understand, at times does not require us to also participate in the talking. All we have to do is listen and pay attention to what is being communicated: the gestures, the body language, the face mimics, the voice tone, besides the words being said. Keeping quiet does not really mean that one is not interested in the topic, but more so, different people have different ways and capacity in understanding and perceiving messages. Some prefer just to listen and withhold the comments. Some understand slower than the others. Therefore, if a message being sent is received and being responded to a little later, the person sending the message should not quickly jump to a conclusion that there is a misunderstood conflict just because the other person replies to him longer than he expected.

Gestures show the intensity of the feeling the person who expresses it. Not all people have the ability to easily understand non-verbal actions. Well, to me, it requires practice, and lotsa reading too. Because only when you understand others can you relate to them. To further understand, personally I think, asking more and more questions would help. There are many ways to understand others. Just reach out and get to know more of those who communicate with us.

At times, I thought I can easily understand people when they tell me their problems. To a certain extent, because I feel that I am a welcoming person, I don't really mind people coming to me and discuss a word or two, or share some perspectives of life in which I strongly admit is the most interesting topic to be talked about, always. Of all my close friends, I might understand Dib the most, as we shared lotsa life background and past stories. Definitely that helped us communicating, and that if we feel that we have mistaken the message, we would immediately check to find out each others' understanding on what was being talked about. Or perhaps girl-to-girl friendship is usually like that? I dunno.. maybe.

Nevertheless, I think the hardest person to be understood is the one closest to the heart. In conflicts, though we know them thoroughly, it is still hard for us to understand their situation, especially when both parties are in the middle of a cold war. That is when conflicts arise: when neither side wants to understand, because they feel they are not being understood, so it is kinda unfair for them to understand the other party. Huh.. is my description of the scene correct?

As far as I see it, understanding is far than just listening, nodding your head, with some 'yeah.. yeah, I understand..' sentences, and continuing to listen with crooked eyebrows. It requires reflecting, having empathy, trying to put ourselves in their shoes, and the decision of approving or disapproving the act or behavior of that particular person, among other actions that I may have not thought of here..

I think if one wants to be understood, one has to learn to understand too. I would not wanna understand you if you do not want to understand me, although understanding you might be easier for me compared to otherwise. You may never fully understand me; at least you can put yourself in my shoes and try to relate. At least that would be of help. I think so.


desh said...

That is very deep.

Sharifah Zahira Syed Iedin said...

ye ke? aiseyy..

desh said...

What a straight shooter.
Yes. The word was so deep. It went straight to the heart through the neck and the spinal cord.
I did not feel the pain, I just died.

The easiest way to understand a person is to feel the current mood changes.
And that is the end of the ONLY easy part. (if they can't figure it out then they might be stupid or ignorance)

Other than that it is hard effort, know.
It needs constant feedback or trial and error.
Sometimes we face the risk of being embarrassed, but its OK. Worth the reward.
But keep up the good effort to understand the person and improvise along the way.

desh said...

Ira totally made her point.
And let me bring UNDERSTANDING to the next level.

(This is a movie from 1997. Note that some adult words have been taken out by me)

Matt Damon: You again, huh?
Robin Williams: Come with me.
Matt Damon: So what's this? A Taster's Choice moment between guys? This is really nice. You got a thing for swans? Is this, like, a fetish?

Robin Williams: Thought about what you said to me the other day. About my painting.
Something occurred to me. You're just a kid. You don't have the faintest idea what you're talking about.

Matt Damon: Why, thank you.

Robin Williams: You've never been out of Boston.
Matt Damon: Nope.

Robin Williams: So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written.
Michelangelo? You know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations. Him and the pope.
Sexual orientation.
I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seeing that.

If I ask you about women, you'll probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman...and feel truly happy.

You're a tough kid. I ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right?
"Once more into the breach,dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap... and watch him gasp his last breath lookin' to you for help.

If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable.

I look at you. I don't see an intelligent, confident man. I see a cocky, scared shitless kid.
But you're a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you.
But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine.
You ripped my life apart.

You're an orphan, right? Do you think I'd know the first thing about how hard your life has been--
how you feel, who you are-- because I read Oliver Twist?
Does that encapsulate you? Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because-- You know what? I can't learn anything from you...I can't read in some books. Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. And I'm fascinated.I'm in.
Your move, chief.


I made my point here.

Sharifah Zahira Syed Iedin said...

Good Will Hunting. Yeah.. a great movie I must say.

What Robin Williams did here, i think, is that he was being honest to Will. And the most imperative part is that, he didn't wanna judge him by existing readings and his experience. He wanted Will to share about himself.

SHARE is the keyword..

desh said...

SHARE. I personally agree that we need to share and open up to the right people in our life. For the sake of a relationship and for some other reasons.

But in contrast, especially for the man species.
"Man finds it is hard to share the darkest time of his life. Man will keep the darkest moment only to himself."
I truly honestly don't know why.
But I think it is a true fact.

I don't know about girls. But I am honestly trying to learn about the fascinated species everyday.

desh said...

I mean "fascinating species". Woman.

Sharifah Zahira Syed Iedin said...

I think a man feels less macho when he reveals his dark side..

U know what, there is a line in this one song,

'A man can kill and still be the sweetest thing'

i think it's true for desperate ladies.

desh said...

Most of the time, when a man is in trouble he only shares or consults with a person he thinks can give good answers or solutions. (Need to know basis concept)
But only after he is into some deep self thought.
He don't share with friends for emotional support. (That includes the girlfriend or wife.)

And it will make his girlfriend of wife, very very ANGRY.
So pandai-pandai la adjust the situation.

danial said...

men and sharing

it is a common knowledge that man (as in male) doesn't share their thoughts or feeling with other people. they prefer to think about it alone, mellow in the probable solutions (while giving out cold vibes to people around them without realizing it) and then when they found the answer, become their normal self again.

for the ladies that have read 'men are from mars, women from venus' this has somehow, slowly becaome acceptable. but sometimes, what pisses off these ladies (a.k.a GF/wife) is that when they do not even share the family plan with them.

" Bang, rumah ni dah bocor, banjir selalu, kata nak pindah umah lain, jom lah pergi survey rumah"

" Hmmph... Awak aje lah pergi. Nanti, beritahu saya."

the man probably just doesn't want to crowd his already crowded mind with petty things such as this, and he probably doesn't mind what type of house they live in, as long as it has walls and roofs. but for the wife, her impression is he doesn't care. which probably means, he doesn't love the family enough to care. which then might lead to, is he having another lady to care about. you see, how different the way of thinking is?

simple things, complicated minds.

just my humble opinion. life would be much easier if the other species is willing to share but a bit of himself now and then.


desh said...

That would be my wife's comment.


The first paragraph is about me,
The man with the rumah bocor is not me. She was talking about someone else.
I swear!

Sharifah Zahira Syed Iedin said...

Hmm.. good understanding there Kak Zufina :) i think with that kind of thinking, you will be able to find other reasons other than the unwanted ones to avoid many misunderstanding between the both of you :)

haha, en. Dayat, x worry.. i know that was just an example.. hihi..

ira dah balik rumah! yay~

desh said...

Hey. Why did you call her "Kak" Zufina and not call me "Abg" Dayat?
It is not fair! Haha.

Sharifah Zahira Syed Iedin said...

errr.. xseswai~